Yes, dear readers, Tripod has finally agreed to be interviewed after we negotiated with his PR rep. He has such a busy schedule with all of his catting around and such. We were able to catch him between a cat nap and an afternoon brunch with friends at the exclusive El Gato Loco restaurant.
Cat’s Pajamas: So Tripod, you have the world at your feet- great friends, a beautiful catery to sleep in, gourmet cat food, need I go on? Is there anything else that you feel you are missing?
Tripod: Well, you know, I could use a taser gun for that darn dog Holly, but I don’t have an opposable thumb.
He smiles a Cheshire-like grin and licks his paw.
Cat’s Pajamas: Wow, dogs bother you? I thought a tough cat like you wouldn’t put up with stuff like that.
Tripod: Holly really doesn’t bother me, rather I tolerate all the slobbering. What I really don’t like is the butt-sniffing thing. I mean, really!! Dogs are so annoying. I swiped her pretty good last week on the nose- bet she doesn’t do it again anytime soon.
Cat’s Pajamas: Would you mind telling our audience how you lost your leg?
Tripod: Well, it is a painful memory. I lost it in a trap set by some Amish neighbors. They’re nice people but they didn’t think a cat would be tempted to snack on the bait. I really was stupid on that count- I hadn’t any experience with the things. I tell all of my friends now to stay away from snacks in suspicious places, especially smack dab in the forest. Snacks just don’t appear in the middle of the forest floor by accident.
Cat’s Pajamas: Maybe we should send out email or notify the general cat public and the Amish about this accident.
Tripod: A lot of good that would do. Amish don’t use electricity. When’s the last time you saw an Amish person using a laptop?
Cat’s Pajamas: Good point; hadn’t thought about that. How about your name? Were you always called Tripod?
Tripod: Ah, no. Obviously the name came after the accident. Actually, there is a strange story about my name. Promise you won’t laugh?
Cat’s Pajamas: Of course not!
Tripod: You see, I was a stray cat, like so many of my friends. I found my way to my second owner’s house (the first owner had moved and left me behind- rat finks!) and they named me Lucille.
Cat’s Pajamas: Stifles a laugh and chokes. Lucille?!!
Tripod: Okay, laugh. My owner didn’t know I was a boy. My first owner, (mutters rat bastard under his tuna laced breath), took me to the vet when I was small and voila, I came home missing some equipment. I’d rather not talk about that.
He looks down at his bowl and pauses. The waiter delivers a fresh bowl of chopped filet mignon and a bowl of cool Perrier water.
My new owner found out I was a boy when she took me in to the vet after the accident. She wanted to call me Andy, short for androgenous. Ha, Ha, Ha- she has a real sense of humor, that one does.
Tripod rolls his beautiful green eyes.
Cat’s Pajamas: I totally understand. Um, what do you have planned in the near future? Any exciting places to visit or will you just take time off from your busy schedule?
Tripod: Well, I do have an engagement this afternoon. There are a few frogs that have been bothering me in the garden. All they do is croak all night. How is a cat supposed to sleep with that racket? As for traveling, I take a lot of walks with my new owner. She even carries me home when I get tired. That’s pretty cool of her since I weigh like 15 pounds. She’s a keeper.
Cat’s Pajamas: Sounds like a great gig. I guess you’ll be staying around her for a while.
Tripod: Yeah, sure.
He polishes off his dinner with gusto and licks his left paw approvingly.
Well, gotta go. I have a nice patch of sun that needs tending to. Nothing like a little warm sun on your fur while relaxing on a comfy chaise lounge.
Cat’s Pajamas: Thanks for taking the time to speak with us. I’m sure your fans will appreciate the sensitive information you’ve shared.
Tripod: Tell ’em I said ‘hey.’
We left after paying for Tripod’s dinner and watched him saunter away with his tail high in the air. He certainly has a life of luxury that many cats would love to have. We wish him all the luck in the world!
This was a humor article I wrote for Associated Content in 2006. It’s Friday, and I thought it would be fun to inject a little humor in my blog this morning!